I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
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Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Sorry. Not sorry
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies