I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
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Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Start the year as you intend to continue.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
seems like a niche market
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!