I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
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Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Guys, I found it.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?