I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
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Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.