I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
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[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
A ghost story
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
😂🤣😂🤣
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.