I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
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Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped