I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
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stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
three things we don’t talk about
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful