@desi_princess

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

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@gerryhallcomedy

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

@DirtMcTurd

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

@javroar

“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭

@Clanopath

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

@trumpetcake

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

@notmythirdrodeo

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.