I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
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When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.