I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
You Might Also Like
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Cats are still liquid.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.