@CulturedRuffian *at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
@iGreenGod I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
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@CulturedRuffian 
@ieatanddrink If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
@mean_crow hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
@TheFirstDudish Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
@JohnLyonTweets Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
@panmidwest [Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
@Sorrowscopes Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
@IGotsSmarts “Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
@OhNoSheTwitnt CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
@JasonLastname [boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]