I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”

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*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.


If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with


hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-


Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.


[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly


Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.


“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.


CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.


[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]