@iGreenGod

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”

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@CulturedRuffian

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

@ieatanddrink

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

@mean_crow

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

@JohnLyonTweets

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

@panmidwest

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

@Sorrowscopes

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

@IGotsSmarts

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

@JasonLastname

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]