I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
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Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
tourist season
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.