I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
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Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]