I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
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“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction