I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
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I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
How to make infinite energy.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing