I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
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ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”