I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

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My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.


I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.


“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.


Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*


My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…


Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.


We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.


[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*


[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.


I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend