I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
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Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!