@

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

You Might Also Like

@skitzoette

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

@Ivsy01

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

@Manda_like_wine

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

@BradBroaddus

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

@SladeBleu

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

@UluwatuSiap

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

@thepatrickwalsh

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

@Mardigroan

Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.