I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
You Might Also Like
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Flowers bee like
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.