I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
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dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.