I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
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Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing