I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
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Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???