Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
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Is this one haunted?
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
ME: hit me
M: hit me
M: hit me
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”