I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

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Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana


Is this one haunted?
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!


[black jack]

ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged


Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”


Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering



Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.


Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.


[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”