I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
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I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.