I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
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Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
*limbos away from your hug*
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
This January has 47 Mondays
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.