@reallifemommy3

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

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@skullpuppy11

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

@desi_princess

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

@Ciara_Knight

Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is

@IGotsSmarts

She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.

@noog

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

@Robski_Boy

If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.

@Jsheff001

The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..

@Germsinlaw

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

@Carbosly

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

@ilovepie84

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.