I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
You Might Also Like
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
oppen heimer style lol
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021