I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
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If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I’d love this…lol
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.