I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
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My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight