I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
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Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.