I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
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My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
time machine? you mean a clock?
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
im all 3
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
True?
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
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