@MolotovJohnny

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

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@joeldanger

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

@UnIxphysco

My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded

@burntmybagel

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

@josh___grant

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

@In_Twittaland

No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.

Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.

@PeachyPixel8

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

@liljonlovitz

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]