I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
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I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Called it
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
There are usually two types of merchants.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
*pronounces woah like Noah*
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?