I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
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You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Not my job 😂
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]