I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
You Might Also Like
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
How I’d get arrested…
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction