I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
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The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days