I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
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I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
you will never know the true number of layers
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?