@KyleMcDowell86

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

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@BoomBoomBetty

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

@deardilettante

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

@lmegordon

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

@NoticablyBacon

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

@HavocMantis

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

@_Tempo11

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

@rickolantern

Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.

@murrman5

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

@ChicksRule

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night