I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

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Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.


A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.


Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.


*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me


Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.


Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.


Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.


[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?


Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night