I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
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People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
that de-escalated quickly
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”