I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
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IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Erm I’m gonna say no
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Most fashion shows these days…
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil