I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
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ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫