I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
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My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL