The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
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I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
This kid will have a bright future.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
I wish I could veto my bills.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!