I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
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My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
*bites zombie*
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.