I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

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Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner


New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.


Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.


“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths


Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.


I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.


[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*


As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.