I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
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I’m a self-made hundredaire
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
All set.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd