I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
You Might Also Like
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
May have had one breakfast too many
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.