I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
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Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Can’t, holding a grudge
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.