Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meme Monday.

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

My mother is the strongest woman I know.

You should see how far she could throw a shoe.

me: can I get 20 nuggets and–

priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru

me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!

in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.