I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
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[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?