I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
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We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
your quarterback name is your grandfather鈥檚 first name and the last thing you did mine鈥檚 Dom Paintwall. ok you go
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flamb茅.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE鈥橲 MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
The Beatles: 馃幎 lend me your ears and I鈥檒l sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
*Handed a baby*
Awww he鈥檚 so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Boy: call me daddy 馃槈
Me:
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.