I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
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Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no