I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
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I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.