I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
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Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Breaking news:
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback