“I took care of your clown problem.”
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spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
all bases covered
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.