I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
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Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.