I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
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My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Thursday
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism