I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
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Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
moms in horror movies
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.